Unleash the Hamsters!

"TheRealBicycleBuck" (therealbicyclebuck) 01/28/2016 at 09:50 • Filed to: None

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If you’ve been living under a rock or just don’t pay attention to my posts (understandable), my precious WRX was t-boned yesterday.

!!! UNKNOWN CONTENT TYPE !!!

Today, I have a new, very temporary car.

The first thing I noticed when I picked it up from Enterprise was the smell. I’m sure they have cases of cleaning agents which are supposed to remove the nasty smells left behind by previous drivers, but liberal application of said cleaning agents really only has two effects - a permanent haze on the inside of all of the windows; and a new layer of nasty perfume on top of all the other smells. Perhaps the perfume drowns out the other smells for some noses. For mine, it just makes me want to sneeze.

The biggest surprise for me was the disappearing hood. I could see it plain as day from the outside, but through some Toyota sorcery, that sucker is completely invisible from the inside. Neat trick, but now I have no idea where the front end is located!

When I tried adjusting the seat, I did find a spot where I could see the edges of the hood. Unfortunately, this position also put me too close to the roof. When I turned my head, it knocked my hat off. I’m of average height, so i can only conclude that this car was designed for people with a much smaller frame than mine. If that is the case, then Toyota engineers must want the hood to remain invisible.

So, how am I supposed to park this thing? Should I just roll forward until it scrapes? From the condition of the hubcaps, it is apparent that this is exactly how the previous drivers have been parallel parking. At first I didn’t understand how all four hubcaps could have curb rash. After seeing the view from the practically non-existent side mirrors, I understood why. For now I will just avoid all parking lots with curbs and forget about parking on the street.

If you’ve ever seen Toyota advertising, you know they depend on the endorsements of hip-hop hamsters to appeal to the “in” crowd. The Corolla isn’t endorsed by hip-hop hamsters. I think it’s because their less popular (and much smaller) cousins are living in a forced labor camp under the hood of this Corolla.

Acceleration, or at least the noise from under the hood that suggests it is trying to accelerate, is akin to flipping a switch. It’s either at full tilt with the hamsters yelling “CHARGE!” like they are re-enacting Braveheart, or it’s in eco mode and it’s more like the Silence of the Lambs. In all fairness, they must be stout little buggers. It does go from 0 to 60 - eventually - and that’s quite an accomplishment from a bunch of hamsters.

So, the overall BicycleBuck verdict is a hearty thumbs down. Between the poor ergonomics, the bad visibility, and the nasty smell, this little Corolla is going back to Enterprise.

Needmoargarage > TheRealBicycleBuck 01/28/2016 at 10:03

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These hamsters?

When did Toyota abandon ‘Grounded to the Ground?’ Seemed that commercial represented their customer base well.

TheHondaBro > TheRealBicycleBuck 01/28/2016 at 10:04

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My car has a disappearing hood. It keeps throwing me off lol.

spanfucker retire bitch > TheRealBicycleBuck 01/28/2016 at 10:06

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The hamsters are from a different car brand from an entirely different country, my friend.

jariten1781 > TheRealBicycleBuck 01/28/2016 at 10:08

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The way I position my seat I can never see the hood even on older cars with lower cowls. It actually bugs me when I'm in a truck or something and I can see it.

TheRealBicycleBuck > spanfucker retire bitch 01/28/2016 at 10:10

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Hmmm. Shows you how closely I pay attention to car commercials. I thought the hamsters worked for Scion.

Either way, I can see why they wouldn’t endorse Toyota in protest of the hamster labor camps under the hood of their Corollas.

TheRealBicycleBuck > TheHondaBro 01/28/2016 at 10:10

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Perhaps you should stop climbing on. :)

TheRealBicycleBuck > Needmoargarage 01/28/2016 at 10:12

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Those were the ones. Wrong brand, but the joke still applies... :/

TheRealBicycleBuck > jariten1781 01/28/2016 at 10:15

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Grandma? Is that you?

Needmoargarage > TheRealBicycleBuck 01/28/2016 at 10:17

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Gotcha. All the newer econoboxes are the same to me.

Hope the WRX is repairable! Any updates?

CCC (formerly CyclistCarCoexist) > TheRealBicycleBuck 01/28/2016 at 10:22

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Im sorry about your WRX...how’s the CVT on this?

jariten1781 > TheRealBicycleBuck 01/28/2016 at 10:22

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Pretty much...except not short. I've got stupid short legs (<28" inseam) and a really long torso (I'm just over 6' tall) so I have to have the seat all the way low and really far forward (often as far forward as it will go) to have the full pedal sweep but then leaned way back so the steering wheel isn't jammed in my chest and I don't have to T-Rex my arms.

TheRealBicycleBuck > jariten1781 01/28/2016 at 10:36

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Dang. I’m shorter than you with a longer inseam.

My wife is short (just over 5 feet). One of the reasons she picked the Explorer was because she could get the seat to an acceptable position.

One of the reasons she like the Honda Odyssey better was the adjustable pedals. She still regrets not getting the minivan.

jariten1781 > TheRealBicycleBuck 01/28/2016 at 10:54

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My wife is 10" shorter than me with a longer inseam, haha.

There are a number of cars that I’ve been in that I couldn’t drive for more than a couple hours because to reach all the controls comfortably I have to slide my ass forward in the seat destroying my lower back.

It blows, but I can thank being a gymnast as a youth. Screwed up the growth plates in my legs (14+ g landings daily for more than a decade will do that to you). All my male cousins are 6'4"-6'6" which is where the docs said I should have ended up (though I'm sure that'd just have restricted vehicles in a different way.

TheRealBicycleBuck > jariten1781 01/28/2016 at 11:02

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“It blows, but I can thank being a gymnast as a youth. Screwed up the growth plates in my legs (14+ g landings daily for more than a decade will do that to you).”

I kept my kids out of martial arts because of this. Most “instructors” don’t realize that punching and kicking things at a young age jacks up the growth plates. My Tae Kwon Do instructor wouldn’t let us hit boards or do knuckle pushups until we were 16.

Who believes a 9-year-old can earn a real black belt anyway? It’s ridiculous.

jariten1781 > TheRealBicycleBuck 01/28/2016 at 11:20

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Back in the 80s when I started doing it the hypothesis for shorter gymnasts was that the intense training delayed onset of puberty which now they believe is a minor contributor (that can apparently be ‘caught up’ if you stop training before puberty is done)...they didn’t even think about growth plates.

Frankly, I don’t even care about the height thing...the other lifelong injuries are way worse (permanently stretched ligaments/tendons in the knees cause them to fall apart occasionally, permanent bursitis in both hips, crooked arm from a break that didn’t heal properly, permanent chest pains from a jagged bone where my shattered sternum didn’t heal properly, all the screwed up vertebrae in the neck causing continuous pain and a numb left arm, etc.).

I would never put a child in the training regiment I was in knowing the end results...but I don’t really blame my parents, I really enjoyed it at the time.

TheRealBicycleBuck > jariten1781 01/28/2016 at 11:45

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I have life-long knee problems, partly genetic, but partly attributable to running track and poor coaching. When I complained about knee pain, the coach told me to run through the pain. He didn’t know anything about the damaging effects of improper form, poorly fitting shoes, etc.

When my daughter was complaining about her knee bothering her, the first thing I did was ask her to sit down on the couch, then stand up. Yep, it hurt. Then I told her to sit down again. I repositioned her feet on the floor, then asked her to stand up again. No pain. That was the start of a good conversation about the importance of proper form.